the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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