I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
