No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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