just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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