is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
