My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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