I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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