I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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