Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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