Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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