God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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