i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
