You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
