Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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