I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
