Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
