After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
