FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
