I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
