Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
