I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
