Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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