her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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