Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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