i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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