Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
