First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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