Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need moral support for this bender
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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