Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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