so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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