im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
