As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
