are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Pooping to opera.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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