She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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