i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
