totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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