Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
