I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
