T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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