You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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