I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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