When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
