OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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