hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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