He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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