Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
