There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
