He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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