It's Friday. Sex?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
