Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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